My Fear of Being Happy

The following is an excerpt from a soon to be published TSM theological essay, "The Proper Acceptance of Assurance." I have not had time to proof, so forgive any grammatical mistakes. -TM

There is a particular professor at the seminary I attend whose disposition and approach to faith I have found a bit perplexing. This is not a commentary on the quality of his faith, only his manner of thinking, which is neither inherently good nor bad, but fits his quirkiness well and, for that reason, is very good (in the highest sense of the word). I am not sure why I bring this up other than to introduce my story. While some of his statements cause me to lose total track of the conversation in order to dissect his thought, whether that be good or bad, I never find myself drifting away during his prayers. His prayers are such that they captivate all who listen, but not so that one is amazed by the teacher himself, but, rather, they are such prayers that one can meditate on them and talk to God about them all day.

Today’s prayer was no exception. Now, when I give you the gist of the prayer, you might not be blown away. However, if you could but hear them in their context, you might be amazed at the depth that flows forth. While I will not attempt to recreate the whole prayer, here is the main message: While we are so amazed at God’s creativity, his power, his intelligence, and so forth, what is even more so amazing is His goodness. We are foolish in that we do not understand such goodness. His goodness is so great-and here is the part that really shook me-that He would will our happiness forever.

I tell you that story, to tell you this. My reaction to the last statement-that God is so good that He would will our happiness forever-struck me in a profound and even disturbing way. It is not that I did not already know this, but for some reason, in that moment, the reality of God, as it sometimes does, became so real to me that I found myself frightened. In a real large sense, this fear was that healthy fear we often read of in the Old Testament; however, there was yet another side to this fear. Something in me, something dark within me, was frightened by this proposition. It was not merely fear of ending up on the wrong side of eternity, missing the boat, if you will. That is to say, I was not brought to fear because I was afraid of not obtaining this happy state of eternal bliss with God (which would suggest the alternative-damnation), and it was not that, in that moment, I feared my professor’s words to be empty so that what he spoke of did not exist. It was something much worse, for I believed precisely what he was saying.

Before I tell you what this feeling was, I must tell you why I offer this thought to you. As a (forming) minister, the last thing I personally want to do is show you my weakness, especially when it comes to the faith that I wish to present. I am called to be a shepherd, and I cannot afford my flock not feeling safe with my leadership. However, my flock must also know my sincerity. Thus, in order to honestly speak of my knowledge of the darkness that sin brings, I want to relate to my reader through showing the severity of the darkness sin sometimes brings me.

So, without any more delay, I will tell you what I fear about the statement: God wills our happiness forever. In short, I fear exactly that, that God would will my happiness forever. I fear the idea that I am going to exist forever, even if this forever is to be spent in utter happiness. I do not wish to analyze this fear in depth, and I do not wish for you to worry about it yourself. That is but a part of who I am, the old self. The old self wishes not to be ruled by God, but loves autonomy, to be master of its own reality, but this leads to death.

While I am a child of God, I am still tainted by sin, and that which sin infects is dead. Thus, the dead, false self fears its ultimate demise. It knows the power of God, and it knows that His ultimate will for my life is to strip my true self-the self hidden in Christ-of the dead self. All that the self loves for its own sake will perish, and this old self does not wish to be let go. The curse of death is so great that even that which is already dead fights against it in a futile effort of self-preservation. In light of God’s goodness, I let go more and more of the dead self, and when this happens it screams out in fear. I experienced my deadness today, and, praise Him, I think I experienced it because I was letting it go just a bit more in light of my professors prayer. So, I must say: Thank you Dr. Stone...

Contemplative Awakening

I am not a poet. I work much better in the prosaic realm. However, lately, I have been inspired by a friend who is a poet by nature. Since I have no natural talent when it comes to poetry, I decided to model my work after Zach's. Now, you must understand that I do not presume to suggest my work is near his level by any means; however, since his work was my inspiration, I must give credit.

Since poetry can be obscure and since I am a novice, I must give direction to my intention to this poem, or at least share my heart in this work. For some time, I have been thinking about prayer. I have wanted to express my feelings, but for some reason, I could not do so in prose. Therefore, I turned to poetry…

This poem is for anyone who has felt lost in prayer. I wanted to express something I find God has been telling me: Prayer has many obstacles. The imagination begins to run wild, and we feel guilty for this. Why? Why do we allow our thoughts to stop us? Another obstacle is the feeling of being lost. The mind begins to fail us in prayer, and we assume we are doing something wrong when we are in darkness. But, what if it is the case that we are in that exact place that God wants us to be? Think about this: If God is transcendent and beyond the senses, how will He appear to the mind in prayer? –As absolute Darkness. We let this blindness scare us away. But, what if we were to stay and listen to the heart, that place where God speaks to our being?

I am not suggesting that this place of darkness is all prayer can be or should be. I only suggest that it might just be a good thing, instead of that dead end we have always assumed it is. I do not know if you will agree with what I have proposed, but I hope it will stir thought within your soul.


Contemplative Awakening

I close my eyes once more,
But not for sleep.
Here I am again,
Staring out into Darkness.
My soul at the edge of this Undefined.
How many times have I stood here?
How many times have I walked away?

The familiar clouds swiftly pass over my being.
Anxiety fills my veins.
Open your eyes,
The mind is screaming.
The heart wants to stay.
Eyes clinched,
I remain.
What will happen if I stay?
What if this is not the dead end I assumed?

This place is confusion.
I seek deeper things;
Yet, I cannot help but notice the trifles that dance about.
Dancing across the grounds of my soul,
They bring with them guilt.
Why do I pay them attention?
Why do I find guilt in what I am unable to control?

I am astonished that I have yet given up.
Here I stand.
I remain at the edge.
I have been here before,
But have always turned back,
Assuming there must be another path,
Assuming You are somewhere else.
What if I have always been wrong?
What if You are this Darkness before me?

All I can do is choose once again.
I can turn back,
Or I can stay.
My senses fail me,
Yet I am engaged in the deepest thought
I think not with my mind
Where have the dancers gone?
And why does this darkness seem tangible to the heart?

I go forward,
But you cannot go with me.
Words cannot go with me;
Therefore, they cannot come back.
I have no more questions.
Yet, I remain in wonder of this Mystery.

Remaining Aware of the Doctrine of Sin

It is important for the mature Christian to return to the doctrine of sin often, not only as an area of study, but as a reminder of where God has taken him or her from. At a certain point, a Christ-filled being grows evermore disgusted by sin; at least this should be the most natural result of desiring the will of God. This disgust with sin does drive this person away from the desire to sin, but the disease of sin remains and can find subtler ways in which to manifest its self.

As strange as this may seem, the gulf between the person and sin can become a hazard for the individual, if perceived incorrectly, especially when any amount of credit is taken by the individual. The most dangerous result is manifest when the self begins to become comfortable in its self-perceived distance from sin. The person can begin to forget the severity of sin, how sin once was such a destructive force within, and the reality of the sin that is still within. Thus, this person begins to look down on the world, effectively damaging his or her own testimony of being once a part of the world, which should be the very reason for compassion. Eventually, the omission of admittance of lingering sin, that sin that might not be acted upon, yet still infects the person, causes the person to downplay the doctrine of sin altogether. One can even forget that sin was ever really a problem for the individual in the first place. Thus, the person has unwittingly allowed sin to once again rule the heart. Pride has once again snuck in.

Only the sin of pride tells a person that he or she does not really have a problem with sin, that sin was never really in control. Forgetting the potential of sin, this person has let down his or her guard, and sin has crept back in, making the person prideful of his or her lack of outward sin. Since the doctrine of sin is such a basic of Christian doctrine, this person finds his or her study focusing on the more ‘lofty’ things of religion. Talk of love, tolerance, and acceptance becomes the norm for this person, and it is not too soon after, that ideas of universalism begin to take hold. Of course, love, patience and tolerance are good attributes, but mere human love, patience, and tolerance cannot deliver humanity from sin.

Only the Spirit can provide such love, and the Spirit is only accessed through faith in the One who came to pardon us from sin. Without remembrance for our need for Christ, humanity begins to form its own religion. We must never forget where we come from. Yet, this is not a call to continual guilt. This is a call to remain in awe, a call to remain mindful of He who has saved us, a call to rejoice in the One who has conquered sin. Therefore, return often to this most basic of Christian doctrines, and rejoice.

Entering the Throne Room

Christians often speak of the ease of entering into the presence of God now that He dwells within the hearts of those who love Him. Respectfully, I sometimes question this optimism. How frightening it must have been for the priest of old to enter into the Holy of Holies. Death could be a result of such an encounter, such a journey into Yahweh’s throne room. Those who dared to enter His dwelling place painstakingly searched their being to make sure they were clean. They feared that If they dared to enter unclean, death would result. This same God is He who lives in the heart of the Christian, and any sensible Christian has an overwhelming awe for the Almighty, even for the One who dwells within. Only a brief contemplation of His reality can engulf the seeker in overwhelming mystery, for His power in unfathomable.

Thus, whether admittedly or not, many individuals would rather keep distance from the throne room within. Once the Spirit of the Lord has descended upon the self, the heart seems to be a mysterious place with the ability to radically reorient the self. The old man wants nothing to do with this change because change is terrifying. The power that lies within, the power of the One who dwells in the heart, has the power to strip the self of the dead flesh, the old man that surrounds the heart. This old man is the one who tells the self that control is everything, self-orientation is key to survival, and autonomy must reign at all cost. This death, even to sin, is a death the self fears, for loss of any part of self is loss of control, loss of autonomy. However, autonomy is not freedom! Freedom lies in being exactly who we are supposed to be in His presence, letting our will go so that His will might become our own.

The throne room of the heart beckons us to enter in. However, travel inside the self to meet with the One who dwells within is to face a reality many of us do not wish to face. Who has the courage to enter into His presence?

Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in his holy place?
-Psalm 24:3

To travel into the heart and to ascend to His throne room within, we must enter into our own self. This journey is to pass through the self, past all the deadness within. We cannot enter into His presence without the admittance of such dieses within, for filth separates us from our God. Thus, who will enter into His holy place?

Those who have clean hands and pure hearts, who do not lift up their souls to what is false, and do not swear deceitfully. -Psalm 24:4

Only the humble have the courage to admit the rottenness within, to allow God to cleanse within. Only the humble will have the courage to look inward, instead of living a life of denial by never turning inward to see what our true priorities are, to see who or what we truly serve. This is a sad life that many Christians live. We often lie to ourselves, telling ourselves we have made the journey to meet God, even when we have not really begun. Acceptance of Christ’s gift is the invitation to walk with Him, not the end to the journey. Those who walk have admitted their weakness and need for the Lord, and their reward will be great:

They will receive blessing from the Lord, and vindication from the God of their salvation. –Psalm 24:5

This is a journey that the self has to go alone. No other can enter the self to journey to that unique throne room where God has chosen to dwell with that self. However, there does remain companionship, for others must also travel their own journey. We share in this bond, and there are certain burdens that we can share in, each lifting the other up because of the knowledge of the sort of pain that can come from such a journey of ridding the self of the death, the sin, that plagues each of us:

Such is the company of those who seek him, who seek the face of the God of Jacob.
-Psalm 24:6

Therefore, the ease we speak of can often be misleading, yet the journey is worth taking and maybe even more so, for the pain that accompanies the journey testifies to the work the Lord is doing in our lives. Sin has been conquered, and there is no reason to hold on any longer to parts of the self that are already dead. Amen.

-TM

God’s Sovereign Decision to “Harden Hearts”

This is certainly not a full treatment on the subject; of course, I don’t imagine anyone could ever accuse me of writing a full treatment on anything, especially not this. These were just passing thoughts as I was reading Joshua 11, and I recorded them mainly for the sake that I would not lose them. I share in case anyone is interested.

The Lord’s decision to harden the hearts of certain figures throughout the biblical history, most notably that of Pharaoh, has perplexed some and led others to come to less than reasonable conclusions. Some of these conclusions were, of course, based on the already established hermeneutic of the theologian reading the text. In short, some have used these examples as proofs that human existence is (pre)determined (if only as secondary proofs).

Consequently, the determinist continues to suggest that life is so determined that even our “choice” of accepting Christ’s gift of salvation has already been decided, with no concern to the heart of the individual. Indeed, the Lord’s sovereignty is demonstrated in His ability to “harden hearts.” And no matter how much one might try to stretch the text, there is no denying that God does, in fact, determine His desired outcome in these instances. However, do these instances in the biblical text give warrant to some using them to support such a radical claim as predestination, as defined by the determinists?

Read the following accounts for reference: Joshua 11:19-20, Exodus 14:17, Exodus 4:21. You may wish to read the whole account in each of these cases for fuller understanding.

In these stories, God is using evil men, men who do not serve Him, to fulfill His will. In each instance, it seems that the person the Lord uses could have chosen another path for the sake of self-preservation, allowing Israel to do as it pleased. However, the decision to do so would not come from a moral desire to help Israel. Instead, it would only serve to protect them, an already evil people. It does not seem that these men were kept from choosing the good. For example, even if Pharaoh had decided to release the Israelites without further protest, he would not have been choosing to do the “good” thing. The only true good humans can do comes from following the will of the Lord. Pharaoh, the Egyptians, nor the Kings of the cities of Joshua’s conquest were kept from choosing the good. If they had wanted to serve the Lord, the story might be different. Instead, God’s will required a certain outcome, and if these rulers had chosen self-preservation and God had not intervened, His ultimate will would have been defied.

The Lord’s decision to intervene in these instances in no way interferes with the doctrine of free will. Those who hold that God gave humanity free will as an expression of His image have never suggested that this free will does not have its limits. In fact, true freedom comes in following His will for our lives. However, we are capable of choosing our own will over His will for us to a certain degree, the degree to which He allows us (thus insuring His sovereignty is not brought into question. This is known as God's permissive will.). For example, we can choose not to follow Him, which is the sad choice of damnation. However, God has an Ultimate will that cannot be transgressed by humanity. For those who are followers, we do not have to worry that God will harden our hearts, for followers of God are followers of His will, and “heart hardening,” as we see in the text, is a power used to keep evil men inside the confines God has chosen for humanity and not an expression of total determinism.

So do the episodes of God’s hardening hearts have any correlation to predestination? In each instance, God uses evil men for His own good. From this, there seems no reason to make a connection of God causing men to perform evil tasks against their will. Their will was already set on evil. Furthermore, if a person wanted to suggest this was an example of God forcing man to do evil and this was an example that could be used to demonstrate predestination, it seems quite one sided. There is no evidence of God forcing men to become good (the closest event to this being Paul’s conversion, and even here Paul does not seem to become possessed and forced to choose good).

As stated above, God does not keep evil men from changing their hearts to choose good, to choose Him. Just as with many other instances in the OT, these men had chosen evil lives and at this point in the story judgment is passed upon them. God only keeps them from escaping their judgment for motives of self-preservation. In fact, there is no suggestion of these men ever wanting to choose good. He only keeps their hearts on a course they had already chosen (and I cannot stress enough the fact that if they had chosen the alternative from which God was preventing, they still would not have chosen good, only self-preservation).

In point-of-fact, to suggest God had to harden their hearts to perform certain tasks indicates that they necessarily had freewill. Thus, “heart hardening” is a rare occurrence to prevent the freewill of humanity to interfere in God’s ultimate will. God had chosen for certain events to pass for the sake of Israel, and He would not allow evil humanity to stand in His way.

In conclusion, although there is certainly a certain level of determinism for certain moments in certain figures in the Bible (however, note that their prior choices led to this point of determinism, and there is even textual reference to the person himself hardening his own heart along with God doing the hardening: See Exodus 8:15. Thus the judgment passed is related to the choices of man and God, not God alone), there seems to be no correlation between these events and the determinist view of predestination. God does not make these evil men evil; He only uses them for His good. There is no prevention of these evil men to choose Him as Lord, no forcing them away from salvation; however, their evil does seem to cause the Lord to finally pass judgment upon them as they fall under His might and Israel’s sword. The fact that God hardens hearts suggests prior free will ability, and the explicit mentioning of these few cases shows this intervention as selective and rare. Theologically, these verses do demonstrate the mighty sovereignty of the Lord by demonstrating His power, even over free willed humanity. Thus, no theologian can ever claim that freewill is an infringement upon His sovereignty, for He can take it away in an instant, just as He can with any other gift He gives.

Where Is God When We Pray?

Prayer is essential to Christian life, but many of us are discomforted by the idea of entering into prayer. Somehow we assume that if we do not experience something “magical,” then we are not really praying at all. Thus, we attempt to connect to God by strenuous efforts to transcend this reality to enter into another. However, the realm of prayer is not like Lucy peering into a strange new world from a wardrobe or Wendy first entering Neverland. These worlds are only spruced up versions of our own. God meets us here in this world. He listens to us, even if we must pray from a gutter. We do not have to figure out a way to disconnect from our bodies to enter His transcendent presence; He comes to us when we go to Him in prayer. What we must realize when we pray is that begging for Him is not how we must find Him; we must realize that He is already there. When we beg for Him to show up while He is right next to us saying, “I am here,” we miss out on what we are really looking for: a connection with Him.

Too much effort to discover some transcendent mindset causes one to become introverted. We begin to ask, “What must I do?” Thus, our very effort to become enlightened forces us away from God. To follow God is to obey Him, and obedience entails a life of outward, self-giving love. We do not draw away from the world to find God. A life of constant prayer does not mean that we are given reason to remove ourselves from the world. We must learn that our relationship with God does not depend on how often or long we can get away from “life” to enter into quiet time. Quiet time is good and necessary, but so is reaching others. Prayer and communion can happen in the midst of the ordinary. God can speak to us in the mundane. Does God work only in the mundane? Can I not have a miraculous experience in prayer? Surely we can, but if that is where we assume we must start, we walk right past God on our way to find Him. If we need a miraculous event, God knows and will provide. We need not try to conjure it up for ourselves.

We may even speak with God in our own language. Christ taught us to do so; therefore, it must work. It is God who will answer in the language that surpasses our minds' understanding but touches our heart in such a way we understand without hearing a word. Can God speak to me in an audible voice? Surely he can do all things. But, does this mean I am somehow closer to God than my brother or sister who has not heard His voice? Not at all. In fact, it might just mean that we were too stubborn to listen when He spoke to our heart.

Our eyes do not have to roll back in our heads as OMs flow from our mouths and we enter some semi-conscious state. God is not an elusive being that we must catch in order to speak with Him. We do not have to figure out how prayer works before we can partake in it. God knows how it works, and He will deal with any complications that it might take in order for us to connect with Him. In fact, He has already done so. Christ sacrificed Himself so that we might enter into a relationship with God. Let us not insult His death and resurrection by assuming that there is yet another task we humans must figure out before we can speak with the Father.

Reflecting Christ

Often we define God and hope that our definition of Him will give us purpose and meaning. We then seek proofs that reflect this God; however, even when our definitions are correct, we miss the point. We are not to live the life we think God wants us to live. We are to live the life God calls us to live.

We learn about who God is, not just so that we may emulate HIm in hopes of being holy. We learn of who God is so that when He instructs us to act, we might recognize His voice. Many live a religion that imitates Christ, at least in word and deed, yet these same people do not think it important to give one’s life over to Him, though they call themselves Christians. This is altogether a mistaken understanding of the faith Christ presents to us.

Surely we are called to be reflections of Christ, but a mirror reflects not by viewing and then morphing into its likeness but in reflecting the object's light. Similarly, we don't become like Christ through a "see and do" relationship. We become Christ-like when Christ offers Himself to us and fills us. Christianity is genuine only if Christ is intimately involved.

We do not reflect God by following law, by becoming what we think God is like, but by submitting to His guiding and loving Holy Spirit. If we live out our faith through Him, we are truly Christians and can say along with Paul, “I no longer live, but Christ lives in me” (Galatians 2:20).