God and Silence

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 

and every day have sorrow in my heart? 

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. 

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," 

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; 

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD, 

for he has been good to me. Psalm 13

I really enjoy the times when God speaks with me in such a profound way that everything I learn of Him changes almost my whole view of reality. I have always assumed that the world around me is not actually reality, or at least my perception of it is not reality. The world that seems to spin without paying much attention to its Creator cannot be the real world. So, when God is revealing to my heart His furious love and constant involvement among a people that do not even realize He is there, my heart rejoices, and I feel that I am finally getting the big picture. But what of the times when God is silent? My confidence begins to spiral, and I find just how weak I am without Him. I begin to wonder if all that I had learned before was just something I came up with. How foolish of me to assume I could paint such a beautiful picture? But, nonetheless I question. Such a time of silence came not too long ago, and when I had gotten deeply into feeling sorry for myself, I began to realize how foolish I was being. So I asked myself, "Why would God be silent?" Does He want me to fall into sorrow? I think not." Does He want to remind me that I am helpless without Him? I think that is part of it. But maybe it is not just that He wants me to become somber and reclusive. Maybe He wants me to join Him in silence to enjoy what He has done for me. Maybe He wants me to take a retreat in which I calm my mind from its constant learning. Once, in the midst of a very stressful week at seminary, I said to a friend something that most would not understand except for those of us who were in this particular position. I said, “Have you ever wanted to take a vacation from all this, just take a break from all this Christian stuff?” Of course, my friend understood exactly what I meant, but allow me to clarify. I had been spending all day being stretched and then pouring my heart out to others. I was tired. I did not want to not be a Christian for a week or something like that, but I wanted a break from ministry work. At the time I assumed that was a foolish desire and that to be a “good” disciple, I could never stop. But, as He often does, God shattered my assumptions. Spending time with God does not always mean that I have to be engrossed in the Bible until I learn something new. Maybe God just wants me to enjoy what I already know. More importantly, maybe He just wants me to enjoy being in His presence.

Be still, and know that I am God; 

I will be exalted among the nations, 

I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10